Parenting young adults with ADHD through independence and impulsivity.

Because while we can't clear away every obstacle, we can clear a path

My 18-year-old daughter has officially “flown the nest.” She’s living in the city, has moved three times in the past three months, and finally seemed settled.

She’s got a good group of friends, a big lounge, a washing machine (a small but mighty victory), and, most importantly, she’s the happiest she’s ever been.

So when she recently announced that she’d like to move again, this time in with a friend, I took a deep breath and did what I’ve learned to do over the years: respond calmly.

I told her it was an interesting thought not “no,” not “yes” just something we should sit on and revisit later.

To her credit, she called the next day to talk about it, which was lovely. I gently shared my perspective: that perhaps we should give it some time, for both her mental health and mine.

We talked through the realities she’s currently working two days a week, not five. Living with a friend might seem fun, but friendships can be fragile under the pressure of bills and cleaning rosters. Then there’s the physical move furniture down two flights of stairs, finding bond money before the old bond comes back.

She listened, nodded along, and agreed with everything I said. And then came the punchline:

That’s all true, Mum but we’ve sort of already applied for the new flat we looked at this morning.

Ah yes, the sort of already applied moment.

It’s the perfect snapshot of ADHD in action impulsivity wrapped in enthusiasm, driven by the need for change, novelty, and dopamine. It’s not reckless or rebellious. It’s motivated, it’s hopeful, it’s human but it can also be overwhelming, exhausting, and expensive.

So here’s the question that so many ADHD parents face: when do we step back and let them make their own mistakes?

I’ve had to draw some clear lines. I told her I won’t pay rent on two apartments. I won’t front a new bond before the old one comes back. I won’t move her furniture or manage the logistics. If she’s serious about the move, she’ll need to find a replacement for her current lease and sort out the furniture.

These are adult tasks daunting, yes, but necessary. And this is the tightrope we walk as parents of ADHD young adults: allowing them to experience the consequences of their decisions without watching their mental health unravel.

It’s not about saying no to growth. It’s about saying yes to learning, responsibility, and pacing. Because for ADHD brains, overwhelm is real and when they hit that wall, our instinct is to rescue. But every rescue can rob them of a lesson in resilience.

So I’m learning to step back, breathe, and trust that she can do hard things just maybe with a little more time, a few more reminders, and a safety net that’s not made of bubble wrap, but of boundaries.

Parenting through ADHD isn’t about control.

It’s about calm, compassion, and the courage to let them figure it out even when “figuring it out” means moving furniture down two flights of stairs… again.

Coaching Insight: Letting Go Without Losing Connection

For parents of ADHD teens and young adults, the balance between supporting and rescuing can be incredibly tricky. Here are a few reminders I often share with clients:

1. Pause before reacting. When impulsive decisions come up (and they will), start with curiosity, not correction.

2. Let natural consequences teach. Experience when it’s safe builds far more insight than lectures ever can.

3. Hold emotional space, not logistical space. Be their calm anchor, not their project manager.

4. Set clear, consistent boundaries. ADHD brains thrive on clarity. Limits are not punishment they’re stability.

5. Celebrate growth, not perfection. Every self-managed moment (even if messy) is progress.

Because in the end, our goal isn’t to stop them from making mistakes. It’s to help them learn that they can recover from them.

Slow Down, Not Stop:

How to Pause Before Making Big Decisions (When Your Brain Wants to Move Right Now)

So, you’ve had a brilliant idea.

A new apartment. A new job. A new city. A new hobby.

And suddenly, it feels urgent. You can see it. You can feel it. You want to make it happen today.

If you live with ADHD, you know that energy well it’s the let’s do this right now feeling. It’s exciting, powerful, and often the reason you’re adventurous, creative, and brave.

But sometimes… that same energy can lead to impulsive decisions that cause stress, regret, or chaos later on.

So how do you tell the difference between inspired action and impulsive reaction?

Here’s a bit of coaching to help you pause not stop before your next big decision.

1. Notice the “rush” feeling

That rush the need to act now is your ADHD brain lighting up for dopamine. It’s not bad! But it can trick you into thinking that urgency equals importance.

Try this: When you feel that wave hit, say to yourself:

“This feels urgent, but that doesn’t mean it is urgent.”

Even a tiny pause helps your logical brain catch up to your emotional brain.

2. The 24-Hour Rule

If it’s a big decision moving house, quitting a job, spending lots of money, changing a course give it 24 hours.

You can still plan, dream, or research during that time. You’re not saying no to the idea, just giving it a day to breathe.

Often, after that pause, you’ll either still love it (great!) or realise it might need more thought (also great!).

3. Make a “decision buddy”

Have one person you can call when you get the “I have to do this right now” feeling. Pick someone who won’t judge you but also won’t jump into the excitement with you straight away.

Tell them, “Hey, can you help me slow down before I act on this idea?” You’ll be amazed at how grounding a five-minute chat can be.

4. Ask three grounding questions

Before making a big move, ask yourself:

1. What problem am I actually solving?

2. What will this change cost me money, energy, time, stability?

3. Can I make a smaller version of this change first?

Sometimes you don’t need to move cities maybe you just need a day trip. You don’t need to change jobs maybe you need a new project or more variety.

Your brain craves novelty, not necessarily drama.

5. Plan your dopamine, don’t chase it

You can’t (and shouldn’t) remove your need for stimulation it’s part of who you are. But you can design healthy ways to get that dopamine hit without burning your life down every few months.

Some ideas:

● Change your environment a little (rearrange your room, add colour, visit a new café).

● Add a new hobby that feels fresh.

● Learn something new or take on a short challenge.

When you fill your life with healthy novelty, the urge to make huge impulsive changes tends to calm down.

6. Remember: it’s not about control, it’s about choice

You’re not trying to become someone you’re not. You’re just learning how to give your brain space to catch up before it makes a big leap.

Every pause is a power move. It means you’re choosing what’s right for you not what your dopamine wants in the moment.

So next time your brain whispers, “Let’s do it right now!” Try whispering back,

“Maybe. But let’s sleep on it first.”

That’s not hesitation that’s wisdom.

Coaching Insight

ADHD brains are wired for passion and speed. You don’t need to lose that spark just learn to steer it. Pausing isn’t boring. It’s self-leadership.

And every time you slow down, you’re building the muscle of trust in yourself, your instincts, and your ability to choose well.

If this resonated, explore more calm-making strategies with Fi → ADHD Coaching