When You’re the One Holding Everyone Else Up
When You’re the One Holding Everyone Else Up
Last week I sat with a woman who, on paper, is doing beautifully.
Couple of jobs.
Husband.
Kids.
Friends.
Commitments.
A smile that rarely drops.
She is the reliable one.
The thoughtful one.
The one who checks in.
The one who shows up.
And when she came to see me, she smiled as she talked about all of it.
But beneath that smile was intensity.
She was overwhelmed.
Not dramatically.
Not explosively.
Just quietly, constantly overwhelmed.
The Weight She Was Carrying
She spoke easily — which in itself was telling.
She was worried about money.
About whether the family would be able to do the things they dream about in the future.
About whether she’d have time for the weekly coffee she promised a friend.
About whether she was present enough for her kids.
About whether she was doing enough at work.
She didn’t want to let anyone down.
Not her husband.
Not her children.
Not her employer.
Not her friends.
And definitely not herself.
But here’s what slowly became clear in that session:
In holding everybody else up,
she had quietly stepped out from underneath herself.
The Guilt of Being Overwhelmed
What surprised her most wasn’t that she was overwhelmed.
It was that she felt guilty for being overwhelmed.
She told herself:
“Other people have it harder.”
“I should be coping.”
“I’m lucky.”
“I shouldn’t feel like this.”
This is something I see often.
Especially in high-functioning women.
Especially in mothers.
Especially in people with ADHD who have learned to compensate, mask, and push through.
They don’t implode.
They over-function.
Until their nervous system is running hot all the time.
What ADHD Coaching Is — And Isn’t
I’m not a counsellor.
I don’t provide therapy.
And I don’t unpack trauma or treat mental health disorders.
What I do do is help people regulate their nervous system.
I help them:
slow the mental spinning
untangle the overthinking
notice the small stressors stacking up
create practical supports
build habits that reduce overload
ADHD coaching isn’t about solving the biggest existential questions in your life.
It’s about creating enough regulation and clarity
that you can think clearly about those questions.
It’s about having a place where you can say:
“I’m tired of holding everything together.”
Without someone telling you to be more grateful.
Starting Small (Because Small Is Sustainable)
By the end of our session, we didn’t redesign her life.
We didn’t solve finances.
We didn’t rework her marriage.
We didn’t fix her workload.
We chose one small goal.
Sleep.
Because she was staying up late doom scrolling — trying to carve out a moment that felt like her own — and waking exhausted, already behind before the day began.
So we created a simple plan:
She can scroll for a set time.
At 10pm, an alarm goes off.
A second clock is across the room.
Her phone lives next to that clock.
She has to physically get up to turn it off.
Not because she lacks discipline.
But because ADHD brains need environmental supports.
We won’t meet again for two weeks.
Because habits take time.
And if it doesn’t work?
We adjust.
No shame.
No failure.
Just information.
Individualised Support — Not Generic Advice
This is what my ADHD coaching is about.
Not generic productivity systems.
Not personality typing.
Not rigid routines that work for someone else on Instagram.
It’s about you.
What is overwhelming you right now?
What is keeping your nervous system on edge?
What tiny lever could we pull that might create relief?
Sometimes it’s sleep.
Sometimes it’s delegation.
Sometimes it’s boundaries.
Sometimes it’s simply realising:
“You’re allowed to be overwhelmed.”
You Cannot Hold Everyone Up If You Collapse
The truth is simple.
If you don’t look after yourself,
you can’t sustainably look after anyone else.
You can do it for a while.
You can smile through it.
You can push through it.
But your nervous system keeps the score.
And eventually, it will demand attention.
The goal isn’t to drop your responsibilities.
It’s to stop carrying them alone.
